I honestly don’t feel that I can be held accountable for my own actions when I am separated from dh for any significant length of time. It’s like a loss of identity. One brain cell at a time.

When I went to college, people said that I went to get an MRS degree, and I suppose that would appear true. Serial monogamist, me. Michael for 3+ years, Kyle for 2+ years, then a series of short, embarassing, desperate blunders before I married Steve (which was a huge error in and of itself). And then I met dh and married him as soon as my divorce papers went through.

By that time, though, I knew that he was the RIGHT ONE (you got the right one, baby, uh hunh) and couldn’t wait to be with him. He’s still the right one, five years later (which is eons for me) and I STILL WANT to be with him, but I can’t help but wonder why we always end up separated.

It was easy to blame on the military – It was UNCLE SAM, it wasn’t us. Yeah? Yeah.

The precise reason why we got out was because we were tired of being separated.

And here we are. Separated again.

It’s not always that easy to blame yourself.

“I think we made a mistake”, I told him a couple days ago. “I do too,” he admitted.

Considering how dr.’s appointments and vehicles and school bills have transformed into this huge insatiable monster with a gaping jaw devouring all of our finances, I thought this was our only option. Everything is paid for on his end. He’ll have health insurance. When I get a job, I’ll be covered, too.

And there’s those magic, infuriating words. WHEN.I.GET.A.JOB. Because, there’s no guarantee (although there was much assuring.) It’s a missile ballistics test site. They have and need REAL rocket scientists over there. Teachers? Not so much.

So WHAT on earth would convince my husband and I to separate ourselves willingly for an unknown amount of time?

First we blamed each other. “You told me too!” “You didn’t tell them!” back and forth, pointlessly, because truly we’re both at fault. I suppose I could’ve said, “I don’t want you to go without me, and I would appreciate it if you would tell them that.” But I didn’t, because I just thought he should know. Would WANT to say that to them, even if I didn’t nudge him.

And I know that there are people who know me right now reading this, thinking, “Well, you certainly have given him some reason to NOT want to be with you.” Yeah? Fuck you. That’s how I feel. People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.

I wonder if we’re just kidding ourselves, sometimes, and if our separation will turn into a SEPARATION. And then I wonder if I’m just being ridiculous.

I’d rather be ridiculous than divorced.