Leapin’ Lizards!

What a glorious weekend!

Do you know what I did?

I’ll give you a hint: It’s starts with SL and ends with EPT. The weather was perfect for it, too. Rainy and overcast, snuggling up on the couch with Slater and dh (who doesn’t remain immobile for very long) was perfect. I honestly think that nobody loves sleeping like I do. Every night, after I turn my light off, I think: “I LOVE MY BED.” and criss cross my legs back and forth over the little indentations the egg crates make before settling in to slumber.

I also had a really, really good time with my friends this weekend. It was nothing special, just little things all put together that made me really happy, including jumping around to “Shout,” on the dance floor. I haven’t been much of a dancing queen lately, but something about the 6 of us (Jon, Jason, Nick, Christi, Sarah, and I) bouncing around in unison with huge permagrins on our faces made me feel exuberant. Like I wanted to freeze that shiny, happy moment in time. That, or I wasn’t getting enough oxygen. Which is entirely possible, given the “Zooks” rendition. Oh, and Mr. Otis? We’ve decided you must come out with a workout DVD. As soon as possible, please.

The rest of the weeknd, I avoided getting speared by the cat, slobbered on by the dog, and rained on by Mother Nature herself.

It was amazing.fulfilling.wonderful.

I hope your weekend was just as relaxing.

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Listy: # 2530

1.) I got some very good news Saturday afternoon as I was walking out the door. I could tell you, but…then I’d have to kill you. No, not really. I’m just not at liberty to say right now. Give me a week or two. No, I’m not pregnant.

2.) I went to watch the kid’s talent show on Saturday Night. I feel like a total ass, but I was brought to tears by a dance number performed by two of my girls. They stood on stage with no props or special costumes and danced to “Breaking Free” from High School Musical. I had expected something hip-hop based or more trendy, but they did a lyrical interpretation mixed in with sign language. The earnestness of the expressions on their faces was something I had never seen before. It’s moments like that one that make me happy to be a part of their lives.

3.) I keep going out to dance expecting that, one of these days, I’ll want to dance. I never do. On the rare occasion that I do step out on the dance floor, I feel wooden, so uncomfortable in my own skin that sometimes I want to cry. Or laugh from embarrassment. I finally gave up early Saturday Night and went home.

4.) I hate when insecurity rears its ugly head. Dh went away for the weekend, and for whatever reason, we were unable to connect telephonically. I had visions of him with another woman in my head. Of what I would do. Of what I wouldn’t do. A friend mentioned to me that she has to make some big changes in her life, I was afraid one of those changes might be the letting go of me. In both situations, I have no reason to expect either of these things to happen, yet I always expect the worst. Hope for the best, expect the worst? I know how frustrating it is to deal with a jealous/insecure mate/friend, and I don’t think that I would ever voice that I felt that way to dh or to my friend. I don’t even know why I felt that way. Shades of a person I was trying to get rid of.

5.) I finally saw an uncircumsized penis for the first time in my life, thank you David Beckham. I wasn’t quite sure what to expect, but that certainly wasn’t it. It reminded me a little bit of an elephant trunk. It does make me feel for any men that have to be circumsized later on in their lives - looks like they take quite a bit off.

6.) I’m sure the Coconut Wireless is buzzing overtime because I’ve been hanging around with my male coworkers a fair piece. I like them. They don’t expect me to look like a girl, act like a girl, react like a girl, or even think like a girl. I haven’t had guy friends like that since I was in high school. I find it even more ironic that the people who DO question my friendships with them are the ones who do treat me inappropriately - in terms of looking, touching, speaking.

7.) Hooray, hooray for the 1st of May. Outdoor boinking begins that day.

IPOD Envy

So, just because I don’t think you know enough about me, I’m supplying you with ten songs that I would MOST definitely have on my IPOD, you know, if I HAD an IPOD. Which I couldn’t get now, because it takes about 40 minutes to download one song, and if you do know me, you know that I don’t have patience for any of THAT business at all, which is precisely why I told my parents that I didn’t want an IPOD for my birthday, but I kind of want one now, because I’d like to be able to carry around my music with me everywhere, but what if I lost it? I lose everything. But I’m having IPOD remorse because I don’t have one. But if I DID, here are 10 songs I would DEFINITELY have. You know, if I had an IPOD.

1.) Midnight at the Oasis - Maria Muldaur. Put YOUR camels to bed, y’all. Wait, is that an anti-cigarette campaign? What does she mean? What does she MEAN?!

2.) Should’ve stopped by - to get me high. I have no idea who sings this, but it is in my head on repeat. Over and over and over again.

3.) Shake Your Coconuts. Junior Senior. SHAKE YOUR COCONUTS! That would be very popular, here on CENSORED. Too bad I put that CD and just about every one I own in storage, because I am a dumbass.

4.) Burn One Down. Ben Harper. I just heard this song for the first time ever a couple months ago and am completely enamored of it. I also just figured out that Ben Harper IS NOT Ben Lee. I’m on the slow boat to China.

5.) Afternoon Delight - Starland Vocal Band. Why wait until the middle of the cold, dark, night - really?

6.) Pablo Picasso - Citizen Cope. The woman that I love is 40 feet tall. And last night I had a dream that dh’s penis was 4 feet long, so maybe I should hook them up.

7.) Human Behavior - Bjork. Whenever I hear this song, it makes me want to get up and dance. Like a monkey. Or at least like an Egyptian. Everybody should dance like a monkey as often as possible.

8.) Down By the Bay - Raffi. Don’t ask - it’s one of the hazards of working with children and listening to songs whether you want to or not because it gets the kids to be quiet. By the way, have you ever seen a llama, wearin’ his pyjamas?

9.) Used to Love Her - Guns N’ Roses. She bitched so much - she drove me nuts! Mostly I think about Slater (my cat, because she is CRAZY AND MEAN) when I think of this song, but there’s a couple females I’d like to (insert your name here) to.

10.) Gangsta’s Paradise - Coolio. LOVE.THIS.SONG. Also, sparked the break-up between college boyfriend and me. Thanks, coolio!

And that’s it. More useless information for the Chinese and the CIA to collect and put in my file. Don’t you feel so much closer?!

Gutter Brain: # 2345

This is my friend.

He is blurry. He can’t be mad, though - because this picture was already floating around on the internets.

Last night, while we were sitting on the porch, enjoying the breeze, he said, “I can’t wait to ride on that. It’s thick.”

What was he talking about? Surfing.

What did I do? Giggled like a little girl. Because I have NO self control.

Wait a Minute, Mr. Postman

For Fuck’s Sake.

The phone rang at 5:00 a.m this morning - note to people who do NOT live overseas: That last 30 minutes of sleep? It is IMPERATIVE to my day. If I do not get it, or am otherwise disturbed, I will be a FULL-ON BITCH and GRUMPY. You know, different than how I am every other day. ALSO, if you are living overseas and the phone rings in the middle of the night, it means 1 thing: EMERGENCY. My heart starts pumping, the adrenaline starts coursing through my veins, it’s Pavlovian technique at its best.

Fortunately, it was not an emergency, but it was a nice young gentleman who dh had purchased something on e-Bay from. He has been desperately trying to ship us said object for weeks. His post office will not let him. Why? THEY IS IGNORANT.

When you live overseas at a military posting, your address is usually as follows:

Your name
Your Box Number, Your Unit
APO, AP or AA or AE
Your Zip Code.

Our address on the island, however, is as follows:

My Name
SOME BIG LETTERS HERE
My Box Number
APO AP
My Zip Code.

There is no unit number, as we have informed our shipping friend time and time again. He has, in turn, informed his postmaster this same information time and time again to no avail, and they will not let him ship the package. What the hell? I have shipped MANY packages and if I make a mistake my postmaster will alert me and ask me if I would still like to proceed, but she or he does NOT refuse to SHIP my package. How ridiculous is that? Middle finger to you, postmaster!

It’s like the time I tried to get on the plane for Hong Kong in Louisiana.
Do you have a Visa?
No, I have onward plane tickets.
You need a visa.
I HAVE ONWARD PLANE TICKETS!
YOU NEED A VISA! HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU DON’T NEED A VISA?
BECAUSE I USED TO LIVE THERE! I HAVE ONWARD TICKETS!
We’re really quite sorry, Miss (No they weren’t), but no plane for you.

Now, I know everybody makes mistakes, but I really think that if you are going to be working in a job that requires you to know certain information about other countries/locations (like immigration laws or postal addresses), you should READ UP ON IT. And if the person you are servicing thinks you might be in error, here’s a novel idea: ASK FOR SOME FUCKING CLARIFICATION!

Cluck, Cluck

I am a BIG CHICKEN. BIG.

I thought perhaps I should follow up and see when they are planning on announcing who is going to be hired for the teaching position. SO, I decided to ask whether they were able to get in touch with some or all of my references and maybe strike up a conversation.

On my way down to the office of the boss, she is not where I expected. She is in the LOUNGE! She says, “Hello!” So I panic, say, “I forgot my money!” and run back to my office so I can get some money (which I am lucky I had, because what if I forgot it? Then I would have to run home and get some and then go buy a drink so it didn’t look like I was lying! Because watch me lie when I panic!) and then go back and buy a drink. Which I don’t need.

Because I am a big chicken.

*sigh* or should I say *SQUAWK!*

Oh, Virginia.

It’s kind of strange what news permeates the island’s reinforced protective bubble. Sometimes we hear about Airmen checking expiration dates on boxes (wow! how pertinent!), yesterday we heard about the shooting at Virgina Tech. Not in detail, mind you; musn’t upset the children.

I find it highly interesting to read all the finger pointing going on. I am relieved somebody at the University has the good sense to cancel classes, close the Hall for the rest of the year, get grief counselors on site, and allow the students to go home to their parents, among other things.

I felt particularly saddened this morning as I clicked through the pictures of the deceased. The cross-section of people that the killer hit was astoundingly diverse. Young, old, married, single, just getting started, just starting to wind down.

I don’t know why this particular tragedy bothers me more than any of the others. Life is lost every day. To be gunned down by an angry young man seems rather…infuriating.

Nothing is coming out right, and I hate how I sound so “affected” and “uppity”. In AA we observe moments of silence.

*SILENCE*

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