I got an e-mail from a friend the other day, noting that he had had a weird day. I know how that feels.
It’s lonely for me to be here without dh. And I don’t really know why he isn’t here, other than the fact that he’d rather be on the island. Every time I come here, I interact with my family - without HIM. I continue my relationships with extended family - without HIM. I go to the gym - without HIM. Yet, I am flying to Seattle on August 1st to be with him and his family.
I do tons of things without him while we are on the island, but we stil come together at the end of the day. Here? I am just alone. When my family asks why he isn’t here, I just don’t really know what to say. Other than that he’s ensconced in some little bubble out there.
And I get the bubble. I hang out with my friends who are motivated, active, friendly towards me because we have common interests and habits…and kind of feel guilty for it here. When I mention going to the gym, my family remarks that I have always been skinny and have always looked young and that I don’t need to go. It is in jest, but I’m starting to feel like the two headed calf in the room. My understanding is that I look the way I do BECAUSE I go.
I always thought that I stuck out here because I look differently than my cousins and my peers in this area, but as I see the new crop of kids that come up who are lighter than me, I realize it is not that. I’m just not from around these here parts, and that’s all it comes down to, I guess.
I don’t think that I am snooty, but I have made different lifestyle choices. I don’t look down on the ones being made here, but I don’t understand them, that’s for sure. There’s a whole, big world out there. It is open to ANYBODY.
Maybe I am lamenting dh’s absence because I am tired of the uttered remarks and glances that resemble daggers over curiousity. Not that I think he would fix everything, but it would definitely send the message that I am married to a real flesh and blood human being who is not as white as you think he is. Not that it would matter if he were.
We go to visit my husband’s family way more often than my own. I think it may be because my family is more understanding when we can’t afford the flight. His family (well, his mother) whines and cries and “mentions” visiting every time she communicates with him. That might be it.