Last night I got a text messsage from my cousin, telling me that I had better be good, and I know what she means.
*sigh*
Yes. I know what she means.
Don’t pick up the drink.
I! GET! IT!
And I suppose this is why I run away from family, because I don’t need ANYBODY telling me what to do, thankyouverymuch. Even if I am making a beeline for self destruction, I don’t want you to utter ONE word about it. Not even a syllable. Don’t even give me a look!
I can’t even accept guidance from momma, who sprinkles me with varied little nuggets of knowledge to make my life easier.
Instead I get MORE stubborn. MORE irritated.
The relationship with my cousin leaves me feeling like I can never be enough for anyone. I don’t want to be enough for anyone. It makes me feel fettered. And then when I get a phone call and a “well, I won’t keep you,” I think to myself, what did you call for? If not to keep me?
Which leaves me puzzled. I make a career out of being enough for a classroom of children.
Yet, I need AND demand space from those who should be closest to me. My family, my husband, my stepsons.
When I first got back on the wagon I told the group that td didn’t get to have expectations of me. Which is pretty wack, even for me. In my defense, I was hurt by his inability to acknowledge me as a part of his life. Not even his family. Just another person in his neighborhood.
The relationship with my cousin is…redeveloping. The family expects me to be a good influence on her (Hang out with her! She’ll take you to meetings! Doctor’s Appointments! Find books for you to read! Feed you!) and…AND.
Maybe I run away from these things because I don’t want to meet anyone else’s expectations? I know her message wasn’t meant to be condescending, but I was angered. I didn’t even read the whole message before I flipped the phone shut, irritated.
I do not need protection from myself.
Maybe there was a point in my life when I did, but not now. And as hard as I have worked to be able to be comfortable with saying what I mean, it appears that I am not there with family.
Not yet.
