Last night I got a text messsage from my cousin, telling me that I had better be good, and I know what she means.
*sigh*
Yes. I know what she means.
Don’t pick up the drink.
I! GET! IT!
And I suppose this is why I run away from family, because I don’t need ANYBODY telling me what to do, thankyouverymuch. Even if I am making a beeline for self destruction, I don’t want you to utter ONE word about it. Not even a syllable. Don’t even give me a look!
I can’t even accept guidance from momma, who sprinkles me with varied little nuggets of knowledge to make my life easier.
Instead I get MORE stubborn. MORE irritated.
The relationship with my cousin leaves me feeling like I can never be enough for anyone. I don’t want to be enough for anyone. It makes me feel fettered. And then when I get a phone call and a “well, I won’t keep you,” I think to myself, what did you call for? If not to keep me?
Which leaves me puzzled. I make a career out of being enough for a classroom of children.
Yet, I need AND demand space from those who should be closest to me. My family, my husband, my stepsons.
When I first got back on the wagon I told the group that td didn’t get to have expectations of me. Which is pretty wack, even for me. In my defense, I was hurt by his inability to acknowledge me as a part of his life. Not even his family. Just another person in his neighborhood.
The relationship with my cousin is…redeveloping. The family expects me to be a good influence on her (Hang out with her! She’ll take you to meetings! Doctor’s Appointments! Find books for you to read! Feed you!) and…AND.
Maybe I run away from these things because I don’t want to meet anyone else’s expectations? I know her message wasn’t meant to be condescending, but I was angered. I didn’t even read the whole message before I flipped the phone shut, irritated.
I do not need protection from myself.
Maybe there was a point in my life when I did, but not now. And as hard as I have worked to be able to be comfortable with saying what I mean, it appears that I am not there with family.
Not yet.
RQ: Smaller boobs = bigger thoughts.
Your cousin just hasn’t yet realized that sobriety is YOUR choice, and that all you need from her is her support, not nagging. It is the same as when someone is on a diet and a loved one constantly says, “oh, you shouldn’t be eating that.” Pretty soon the dieter wants to turn around and throttle that person, or eat out of sheer rebellion.