…and the doctor said,

NO MORE BABIES jumping on the bed!

I’m just kidding.

I was referred to www.havingbabies.com by a friend of a friend. They let you finance (hey! ho!), do phone consults, and work with the on island clinic. YAY! What more could an infertile girl ask for. Right? Right?!

Although I am being glib, the doctor was very informative and patient. A change, I hate to admit, from the military doctors who scared the heck right out of dh. She might die! She might die! She almost died! The doctor even had me call him on his cell phone and spoke to me in the car while he was at his son’s track and field meet, which I just thought was the cutest thing ever.

We discussed hydrosalpinx, and bilaterally blocked tubes, and what to do from there. Apparently, we have to do some testing to see if I have a “healthy environment”, which includes a thyroid panel, fsh levels, and prolactin levels. Thankfully, we are able to get those tests here, and the clinic has been very helpful. It is also cheaper than I anticipated, so color me relieved. I was picturing myself begging for money to get a baby.

I guess I am trying not to get my hopes up beyond that, because if I don’t have a “healthy environment”, adoption/surrogacy will be the only options. I’m not sure that I’m willing to do surrogacy. Actually, I am almost sure that I am not willing to. Adoption would be the only option…and if that turns out to be the case, 2 stepsons might have to suffice, as I cannot see that dh and I would be good candidates.

It’s kind of a scary thing, IVF. I feel like I am getting caught up in a wave. Dh wrote me an e-mail yesterday and asked what I was planning, and it made me feel like things are progressing faster than I am ready for, even though THIS IS JUST A TEST. IT IS ONLY A TEST. DO NOT PANIC. DO NOT PANIC! Faster than I could explain to him, certainly.

I don’t want to hinge too much on it, or get to emotionally caught up. YOU  KNOW? YOU KNOW? I remember the devastation I felt after the HSG when they told me to go to infertility chat rooms and support groups and IVF…I was not ready to hear those words at the time. I think my exact reaction was, “WHO the F*#(k are you?” as I ran out to the car and sobbed, barely able to get the words out to dh.

Now, a little older, a little wiser. There’s a teeny, tiny little part of me that is expecting the best.

I don’t want to be devastated again.