Coming home again is always an interesting feeling. Exciting, painful, embarrassing, irritating, heart-wrenching, relaxing. All in the space of about 5 minutes.

Last night, for example, I went to a 4th of July shindig at a relative’s house. It was mentioned about 5 times how 10 years ago I was a completely drunk bitch to my ex. Again. And again. And again. The first time I smiled and nodded politely, but around the 3rd time, I just felt uncomfortable. Like sand in my eyeballs.

It’s jarring for me to realize that no matter what I accomplish in my life, family members will hang on to that one time I displayed some humanity (in their eyes – flaws). I was told, “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I’ve always thought you were a bitch. You speak your mind and get what you want.” Really? REALLY?!  I used to think that alcohol made you speak the truth  – in vino veritas – but now? I just think it makes you look like an ass.

I’ve heard some disturbing stories about myself, and they make me cringe. I was told that I was NOT what another relative expected because her husband (my cousin) visited us when I was 9 and ridiculously spoiled and dropped something purposefully on the floor and told them to watch while the maid picked it up. I know that I am working on not taking things personally, but felt upset. Really? I’m 33 now. Although I do still experience lapses in judgement from time to time,  I think I have a generally good understanding of basic human compassion. I guess I feel upset because I feel the story was told with a malicious intent. Not as a “look how silly you were when you were little” vignette.

DEEP BREATH.

I often cite watching many of my native american relatives falling away to alcoholism as a driving source for me to stay sober. What I had forgotten was how intensely uncomfortable it is to watch them drink. And drink. And drink. I know that I could just NOT put myself in those situations, but I feel it easier to go, say hello, and put my face time in.

I am also struggling with the familiarity of family. I don’t really like when people tell me that all addicts will die or tell me that they don’t like philosphies/opinions shoved down their throats, and then do the same thing to me.

I’ve put my face time in, I am now officially on REELAX mode. Which means that I have every intention of sleeping for the next 2 weeks straight.

That’ll give me some time to work on acceptance.